


desperate times call for desperate measures

by sapphire_eyes27



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Embarrassing Situation, Gen, Landlord Ushijima, Misunderstandings, Tenant Oikawa, Ushijima to the rescue, enemies to kinda friends to back to enemies, i love making oikawa suffer, idek what to tag this as
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 08:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphire_eyes27/pseuds/sapphire_eyes27
Summary: What kind of an idiot handcuffs himself to a bed?Apparently, Oikawa Tooru.





	desperate times call for desperate measures

**Author's Note:**

> For my two good friends, Amber and Taneesha. Inspired by [this reddit post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6sql5p/tifu_by_handcuffing_myself_to_my_bed/) that Amber sent on our group chat. It was too good a prompt to pass up!  
> (Alternate title for this fic: I love making Oikawa suffer)

Oikawa doesn’t know how he and Iwaizumi got to talking about spicing up their sex life, but here he is holding a pair of handcuffs that just arrived in the mail. What had started off as simple curiosity turned into a serious need. He wanted Iwaizumi’s jaw to hit the floor when he returned from his weekend long trip for work to find Oikawa secured to the bed frame and ready for the taking.

Oikawa smirks at the thought until he realizes that he really doesn’t know how to put these handcuffs on. He looks inside their box again and finds no instructions but then he thinks, how hard can it be?

With nothing lined up for the rest of the afternoon, Oikawa decides to test them out. The handcuffs are silver and heavier than he’d imagined them. The chain linking the two cuffs together is short, leaving very little room for movement. Overall, they’re sturdy, and that excites Oikawa. Once restrained, there’s no way he’d be able to escape.

Oikawa fiddles with the open handcuffs and imagines how he’d look all sprawled across their bed and completely at Iwaizumi’s mercy. He’s so into his fantasy that his hands move of their own accord, looping the short chain through the bedframe as he lays down. The phone in his back pocket digs uncomfortably into his ass, so he takes it out and tosses it at the end of the bed.

Craning his neck, Oikawa wraps a cuff around his wrist and snaps it closed. He continues to tighten it until it’s snug against his skin and Oikawa can feel his pulse throb against the cold metal.

It’s harder to cuff the other wrist with one hand already restrained, but Oikawa manages it nonetheless. He lies there, hands over his head and bound to the bedframe, and closes his eyes, imagining Iwaizumi’s calloused fingers roaming his body. There’s a warmth pooling in his belly when Oikawa realizes he really has to use the bathroom.

His eyes snap open.

“Oh shit!”

The keys are still inside the box…in the living room.

Oikawa panics, tugging at the handcuffs. The skin on his wrists will surely bruise with how hard he’s pulling, but Oikawa couldn’t care less in this dire situation. The sound of metal against metal rings in his ears as he keeps trying before he realizes it’s useless. The handcuffs are just too strong and there’s no way he can take them off without the key.

Oikawa growls in frustration, kicking his legs like a child throwing a temper tantrum, when his eyes land on his phone. It’s just out of reach of his toes. If he can stretch a little bit more, he would be able to use Siri to call Kuroo. Oikawa would prefer _not_ to call Kuroo because he knows Kuroo would never let him live this down, but he’s the only one with a key to Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s apartment. Oikawa is desperate and ready for the humiliation that will follow (and _maybe_ , he deserves it for being so stupid) because there’s no way he can survive until Iwaizumi returns on Monday.

He wiggles further down before extending his leg and pointing his toes. The stretch hurts like hell and he can practically hear his muscles screaming in pain, but he’s able to drag the phone closer and press the home button. Siri’s voice comes to life, and Oikawa has never been happier to hear it.

“Call Catman Kuroo,” Oikawa says loudly so Siri can pick up his voice.

She’s able to and soon a loud ringing erupts throughout the room. Oikawa’s nerves are back on edge when Kuroo doesn’t pick up immediately.

“Pick up your fucking phone Kuroo,” Oikawa mutters, chewing on his lip. “I’ll stop making fun of your god-awful hair if you pick up.”

Oikawa’s prayers go unanswered as the call goes straight to voicemail. Oikawa screams before trying twice more. Those attempts are also unsuccessful.

 _I’m taking the key back from that son of a bitch!_ he thinks bitterly. _He’s useless in an emergency!_

Oikawa stares blankly at the ceiling. He’s at a total loss for what to do. He could wait until Kuroo called him back, but what if he never did? Kuroo was always pretty good at answering phone calls but if missed, he was shit at returning them. At this rate, Iwaizumi will come home to Oikawa’s corpse decorating their bed like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story.

Oikawa bangs his head against the bedframe, hoping to stimulate his neurons into coming up with another solution. Immediately, the world’s most detestable person’s face pops into Oikawa’s mind.

“Nuh-uh,” he whispers to himself, shaking his head. “No. There is no way I’m calling that cow!”

Then Oikawa realizes why he had wanted to get out these handcuff in the first place. During his meltdown, he’d forgotten that his bladder was on the verge of bursting. Oikawa squirms, squeezing his thighs together so he doesn’t wet the bed, and eventually gives in.

“Call Moo-jima,” Oikawa reluctantly commands Siri.

“Calling Moo-jima,” Siri confirms and despite the circumstance, Oikawa snickers when he hears the nickname in Siri’s monotone voice.

It only rings twice before his landlord, Ushijima’s, deep voice is greeting Oikawa on the other end. Just this once, Oikawa returns it.

“Ushiwaka, I need your help,” Oikawa manages to spit out against the wish of every cell in his body.  

If Ushijima is surprised, Oikawa can’t tell from his voice. “ _Sure, Oikawa. What would you like me to do for you?_ ”

“I, uh, need your help in my apartment. Bring a key and just let yourself in. My hands are… _preoccupied_ at the moment, so I won’t be able to answer the door.”

“ _Ok, I will be right there_ ,” Ushijima says, and Oikawa hangs up.

He doesn’t know why he didn’t tell Ushijima about his problem outright. Maybe he’s worried Ushijima will be too weirded out by it to come help or worse, think Oikawa is joking and dismiss it because who’s dumb enough to handcuff themselves to a bed?

A few minutes later, Oikawa hears the fiddling of the key in the lock and his apartment door opening.

“Pardon the intrusion,” Ushijima’s low voice cuts through the apartment, and Oikawa rolls his eyes at the unnecessary formality.  

“Oikawa?” Ushijima calls out a little louder, no doubt wondering where his tenant is.

Oikawa feels his heart beat faster knowing that in a moment he’s going to be found in this compromising position by the one person he hates the most.

“I—I’m in here,” he yells, cringing at the escaped stutter.

He hears heavy footfalls make their way to the bedroom door and stop. Ushijima knocks.

Oikawa’s patience snaps. “Oh for the love of God, just come in!” he barks.

Ushijima finally steps into the bedroom, and Oikawa wishes he could capture this on video because never has he seen Ushijima’s face so surprised and confused. It almost makes this whole ordeal worth it. Almost.

Ushijima is frozen at the threshold, eyes wide and lips parted as he takes the situation in. Oikawa flushes in embarrassment when he realizes just then how provocative he looks with his jeans riding so low on his hips and his shirt scrunched up from all the movement. His abs are on full display, and he really hopes Ushijima doesn’t get the wrong idea—

“Oikawa,” Ushijima says, “I do not know why you are like this, but I am sorry. I am in a very happy relationship with Aone and if I am not mistaken, you already have Iwaizumi, so—”

The blood drains from Oikawa’s face. “Don’t say another word!” Oikawa screeches. His eyes squeeze shut as he hopes this is just a terrible nightmare. _Tooru, you simply misheard_ , he thinks to himself. _There’s no way this stoic oaf just jumped to such a conclusion._

“This is not for—,” a bitter taste fills his mouth, “—for you! I accidentally handcuffed myself to the bed!” Oikawa explains.

Ushijima’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “You handcuffed _both_ your hands to the bed? Accidentally?” he parrots.

If Oikawa wasn’t restrained, he’d throttle him. He takes a deep breath to clear his head of the murderous thought. “I did it before I realized I didn’t have the key with me. Now please unlock me! The key is in the box on the coffee table outside.”

“One moment,” Ushijima says and disappears before returning seconds later with a small key in hand.

The cuffs finally come off, and Oikawa rubs his purpling wrists.

“Thanks,” he mutters.

“You are welcome,” Ushijima says. “You should apply some ice to your wrists.”

Oikawa wants the ground to swallow him whole.  

The following silence is awkward, but Oikawa is glad Ushijima doesn’t ask any more questions.

“Well, if that is all, I will be going back now,” Ushijima says, and Oikawa walks him to the door.

Ushijima slips his shoes on and bids him a good day, turning to leave.

“Wait!” Oikawa says a little too loudly and flinches. Ushijima is unperturbed, regarding Oikawa with mild interest.

“Is there anything else you needed help with?” he asks.

“No,” Oikawa says. “No…I was actually wondering—would you and Aone-san like to have dinner with me and Iwa-chan next weekend? You know, as thank you.”

Oikawa would _never_ offer such a thing to Ushijima of all people but he hates being indebted to someone. And maybe...maybe he should cut him some slack just like Iwaizumi had suggested.

This is the second time today that Oikawa has managed to catch Ushijima off guard and again he couldn’t record it. _Pity. Iwa-chan would’ve found it hilarious._

“Sure,” Ushijima answers. “I know Aone will not mind.” And Oikawa nearly does a doubletake when Ushijima’s lips curl into a fond smile. “In fact, he has been meaning to ask you how you get such shapely eyebrows, but he is a bit shy. Maybe this will be the perfect opportunity.”

Oikawa is speechless and frankly,  _horrified_ at that expression.

“Just message me the exact date and time, and Aone and I will be here,” Ushijima says.

Oikawa watches Ushijima leave, laughing dryly at the turn of events. When he’s peeing, he realizes he should’ve threatened Ushijima to keep silent about today. The last thing he needs is Iwaizumi—or anyone for that matter—finding out.

He finds his phone still lying on the bed and thinks, better safe than sorry.

 _You better not tell ANYONE about what happened today!_ _Otherwise consider yourself uninvited for dinner at our place!_ Oikawa types and sends the text message.

 _I had no intention of doing that,_ Ushijima responds. Then, _It is not my place to discuss your needs to improve your sexual relations with low level instruments._

Oikawa is again reminded why he hates this man. He chucks the handcuffs at the wall. He knew he should’ve bought the ball gag instead.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped y'all liked it! Let me know what you thought of it!  
> Comments and kudos are very much appreciated or you can come say hi on my [tumblr](http://www.rolling-blunder.tumblr.com)!


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